Why Can't Restaurants Get the Bathroom Right?

Why can’t restaurants get the restroom right? This really bugs me. I've been in some very fine restaurants that do so many things right... right up until someone has to use the restroom.
Although no restaurant restroom has risen to the level where I wanted to go there because of the restroom (“Hey guys, let’s go to Joe’s. The food is iffy but the bathroom is to die for!”), there have been times where it definitely added or subtracted from the overall experience. I will try to highlight what I consider some common mistakes as well as what makes for the best restroom experiences. I’m most familiar with the mens room and, except for those unisex restrooms (more on that later), the women’s room is a mystery for me and I want it to stay that way. I have a vision of a comfortable place where women go to “freshen up” and don’t do any of the things usually associated with a bathroom. I’ve been told that is not the case, that it's just like the mens room, but I’m going to keep believing it is different and there’s no telling me otherwise. With that being said, on to the restrooms.

First, the ideal restaurant restroom. Being a germaphobe, the ultimate restroom experience will be a “hands free” experience. In a perfect world, you would not have to touch anything when using the public restroom. This not only includes the obvious (toilet seat, handle and various knobs) but even the less obvious, like the door. To me, touching anything in the restroom should be avoided at all cost. To be honest, I’m not even too keen on touching myself, so touching something that someone else has touched after they might have touched themselves sort of freaks me out a bit. Unfortunately, to have the whole hands free experience you need a really big place. This is to accommodate the entrance to the restroom. To go without a door, one must have some sort of maze-like entrance that uses a lot of space. I acknowledge that only the very largest restaurants (or airports or shopping malls) have the necessary space for this setup. Once inside however, the technology is readily available where any profitable place should be able to go hands free. There are sensors that can flush toilets, dispense soap, turn on water and dry hands or dispense paper towels so you can not only dry your hands, but can then use the paper to open the door (if you must have a door) on your way out without having to touch it with your bare hand which otherwise just made moot every other hygienic precaution you have just taken.

I actually skipped an important step on the way to the restroom. Before you get into the restroom, you must first find it. Most places have their restrooms “in the back” somewhere. Easy enough you would think, but here’s a bit of a dilemma. The restroom should be easy to find yet be out of sight of diners. If you are sitting at a table anywhere in the restaurant, you should not be able to see inside the restroom. The ultimate sin? To somehow make eye contact with an actual toilet while dining. That can be a game changer. So, where should you place the restroom? Down an obvious hallway is good place to start. Some classic mistakes? I should not be able to chat with the dishwasher through an open door to the kitchen while waiting for the restroom. Food should be nowhere in sight and certainly not within reach of a bathroom even if it’s in a can. I know it’s kind of trendy to stock bales of semolina flour and cans of imported Roma tomatoes in places where customers can walk past and think to themselves “I like that they use top quality ingredients...” but please, not near a restroom. I’ve actually seen cans stacked in the restroom. My only hope is that it was meant as some kind of Warhol-like piece of art and never made it onto a plate.

OK, you've found the restroom, or at least think you've found the restroom when you come across the most egregious error in the world of restaurant bathrooms - signage. This seemingly most simple of things has done more to confuse me more than anything else associated with a restaurant restroom. Why do so many restaurant owners insist on making a trip to the restroom a game of pictionary? Is it really that difficult to stencil a “men” or a “women” on a door? Maybe include one of those international figures of a man or a woman. Listen folks, I’m just trying to use the bathroom. Now is not the time to get cute. I should not have to try to figure out if the wood carving is Sir Lancelot or maybe Lady Macbeth. Do I use the restroom with the picture of the mermaid or the one with the sperm whale? I’m not even sure what gender Medusa was.  I was just in a restaurant that had a fork on one door and a spoon on the other.  I flipped a coin and went with fork.  I know it's a French or Greek restaurant but I can assure you, if we're actually eating on U.S. soil, most of your customers do not speak French or Greek. Thankfully, Chinese and Thai restaurants recognize this and almost always go with English. Although women tell me that it wouldn't be the end of the world if I were to accidentally walk into "their" room, it would be for me. Bottom line, please put an easy to read sign on the door. Thank you.

OK, so the place isn't big enough to go door-less but you managed to put the restrooms down the hall or behind some sort of screen. So far so good. Everything inside is up to par (hopefully hands free) except for... the trash bin. Really, how difficult should this be? First, could you please place the bin near the door so that I can open it with the paper towel (not touch the door) and then throw it in the trash without having to make an NBA 3-pointer? I rarely make that shot which segues into my next pet peeve: how often do you find the restroom trash overflowing with paper towels? I will now pause while you think of the two possible solutions for this problem... (I’ll be right back. Cue the Jeopardy theme music in your head...)

I’m back so let’s see if you came up with the same answers as me. First option: get a BIGGER trash can. Pretty simple, don’t you think? Second option: EMPTY the freak’n trash when it gets full! You can slice and dice and chop and saute and grill and poach but you are unable to get a grasp on the trash container in the restroom. Inexcusable.

Next on the list of common restaurant restroom miscues? The lock on the door. So we’re in a “cute” (e.g. small) bistro that has wonderful food but only has room for two small, one person, restrooms. I understand we might not be able to put in all the latest hands-free gizmo's that I really like to see but, come on guys, how about a decent lock on the door? Once again, I’m a little weird about this stuff as I’m the type of person who locks the bathroom door when I’m alone in my own house. One of the worst things I can possibly imagine happening to me is for the restroom door to be flung open in a crowded restaurant exposing me to dozens of diners who, I can assure you, have now lost their appetite for even the finest of fine food. Am I the only person who has nervously used a restroom while propping a foot or hand against the door? I’m sorry but the little button on the door knob doesn’t cut it. Neither does the small hook that I have to get into the even smaller eye that was screwed into the door post and might just be strong enough to keep a light breeze from swinging the door open. For me the ideal lock is something you would find on a medieval castle. You know the one I’m talking about - the kind that requires 30 or 40 strong guys using a 100 year-old pine tree battering ram to break open. Being that such a lock might be extreme, I’ll settle on a compromise - a good solid lock, or better yet, two. Maybe the lock can incorporate some of that new airplane or Grayhound bus technology which shows whether or not the restroom is “occupied”?

Lighting. Once again, this should be a pretty easy one. First, more than one light bulb please. This way, if one were to go out, I can still see. Next, how about enough wattage so I can really see what's going on in there. It's the bathroom for goodness sake. I’m really not looking for any kind of ambiance. Then there’s the light switch. Now, I’m a green kinda guy, really I am. I recycle and turn off lights when I leave a room but there is very little that creeps me out more than to have to feel along a wall in a dark public restroom for a light switch. Please have a light that stays on all the time - I know it might waste some energy but it's really so little compared to the peace of mind it gives me in return. If you want to be really cool, go with the motion sensor lighting ($14.95 at Home Depot). Anything. Just don't make me have to run my hand along the wall.

Finally, the unisex restroom. The ONLY time this is acceptable is when there is only one restroom in the building. If there are two, make one the men’s room and the other the women’s room. What’s the big deal you ask? This is the big deal: I walk into the unisex restroom and find the toilet seat has been left in the upright position. My first thought is “this is good, one less thing I have to touch” but then I realize that there might be a woman waiting outside the door. What is she going to think of me when she finds the seat left up? My women friends tell me not to sweat it as they never actually sit on the seat in any public restroom regardless of how clean the place is but I don’t believe them and have been programed for 50 years to “always put the seat down as there may be a lady using it after you”. What started out as a positive (me not having to touch the seat) has now, due to the unisex nature of the restroom, become “well, I have to lower the seat” and... you know what happens next, don’t you? The seat is, let’s say... not clean. As there might be a woman waiting outside the door, I am now in the position of having to CLEAN the seat because “what would she think of me if I didn’t” even though I had nothing to do with the lack of cleanliness and it would be very awkward to engage in such a conversation trying to explain this fact. I have now gone from enjoying a (sometimes very expensive) dinner with my wife to cleaning toilets because the restaurant has decided that “...we should be avant-garde and go with two unisex restrooms because I saw that in Europe last summer.” The real irony is that I don’t even clean the toilets at home as we hire someone to do that so the only place where I find myself cleaning a toilet these days is usually in an expensive restaurant. How weird is that?. I’m all about equality but please, please, please, separate restrooms.

There you have it. A few rules to follow to make the restroom experience as pleasant as possible. Does anyone else feel this way or am I nuts?

Where to Eat Right Now (before the tourists arrive)

I’m not a “reservations guy”.  Making a reservation puts too much pressure on me.  This is especially true when I’m going to a high demand place.  First, I make a reservation (usually on-line) which generates an email to me confirming what was already confirmed when the restaurant accepted my reservation in the first place.  Along with this email are instructions on what to do if I have any special requests or might need to cancel my reservation even though I’m pretty sure I could have figured those things out on my own.  Next comes the day before dinner phone call confirming that I’m really going to eat there often accompanied by yet another email reminding me how much the restaurant is looking forward to serving me.  At this point I wouldn't dare miss dinner or show up even a minute late, hence the stress unintentionally placed on me by the restaurant.

You might be wondering what any of this has to do with the subject of this blog.  Well, as I made a recent reservation at Fore Street about a week and a half in advance, I noticed that even that far out there were times that were not available and it got me thinking about where I should eat now because once the snow melts and the hordes from away arrive in town it’s just going to be a pain to get into many places.  So the title of this really should be something like, “where should I eat now because I don’t stand a chance in hell of eating there during prime time once the tourists pull into town”.

These are places you can reasonably get into now.  You may even be able to just stroll in minus a reservation at almost any time (a bit tougher on weekends) so, unless it’s a special dinner with out of town guests, go now and leave the summer insanity to the folks from away.

Fore Street: Fore Street is tough to get into anytime of the year and they do leave tables open for walk-ins (if you want to queue up starting at 5:00 PM) but once summer rolls in it’s as tough a seat to get as anywhere in the state.

Hugo’s: You can actually show up during the week this time of year and have a good chance of bellying up to the bar and having one of the most exciting meals around.  Yeah, it’s pricey but you only live once.

Eventide: If by some chance you still can’t get into Hugo’s or you want something more casual, then go next door to their sister restaurant, Eventide.  Last year it was still relatively new but it’s now on everyone’s radar.

Duckfat: Another tough seat even this time of year, especially during prime time, it becomes insane in the summer as the line starts around 11:45 AM.  Eat there now and then, come June, walk past the line of tourists and have a really good meal next door at the East Ender (secret, East Ender is worthy in its own right, not just as an overflow for Duckfat).

Central Provisions: Rarely has a new restaurant opened in this town with such (well deserved) fanfare and one of the smoothest openings in recent years.  The food is varied and phenomenal with one of the best young chefs (Chris Gould) around. The bar program is excellent. This will be one of the toughest tickets in town this summer. Go now.

Street and Company: Sister restaurant of Fore Street it just continues to deliver year after year.  As one of the few high end pure seafood plays in town it has become a magnet for those summer visitors who want to spend their tourist dollars on the freshest fish in our little coastal town.

Piccolo: The smallest of the “eat here” now restaurants, chef Sansonetti‘s dishes are so subtle and nuanced that they creep up on you leaving you starring at an empty plate wishing for the food to reappear. I’m not a big dessert guy but this is a place where I save room. Where husbands’ food is subtle, wife and pastry chef Ilma Lopez’ desserts provide a “wow” factor. Best husband/wife team in town.

Boda: Another tough seat at almost any time of year, it only gets worse in the summer with the line extending out onto Congress Street (no reservations) so go now and go often.

Pai Men Miyake: Yet another tough place for a seat in Longfellow Square, it can get busy any time of day with a busy late night crowd. Whereas the heat of the kitchen made eating near the bar almost unbearable last summer (yes, there was a time when it was hot in town), word is that they are sinking some money into upgrading the air conditioning.  If so, there will be some serious waiting for a table this summer.

Local 188: Always tough to get a table for Sunday brunch, Local (as the locals call it) becomes very busy at all hours as the weather warms up.

Hot Suppa: No longer just a neighborhood place, the lines for weekend breakfast are long (and really chill – as are most of the patrons). They have the best scrambled eggs around.  During nice weather the sheer number of people waiting outside is usually enough to turn a planned breakfast into a drive-by.

Bintliff’s: Since we’re on breakfast I have to mention Bintliff’s.  They were doing a great brunch long before it became fashionable for the beautiful people to go out for brunch.  The lines on Sunday’s this time of year will only get longer as the weather warms up.

Fisherman’s Grill: For those who don’t venture off the peninsula but might be interested in an adventure into the grittier side of Portland, now is the time to hit the Fisherman’s Grill.  The best (yeah, the best) fried clams around and by far, hands down, slam dunk, the best $1.50 burger anywhere.  That’s right – a buck fifty but it’s only for the locals. Mike 86’s it come summer when people will wait an hour or more for a great lobster roll and those clams.

How about something to drink? I really like Hunt and Alpine for a cocktail during happy hour with a light bite to eat.  It can get quite trendy and crowded later in the evening and it should only get worse in the summer. Talking about trendy, the all new Top of the East in the Westin Hotel brings big city trendiness to our little town. Although I think the lines at the elevators have been artificially created, they will be for real come summer as everyone scampers upstairs for the best view in town.  LFK, although the antithesis of “trendy” it can get mobbed in the summer with people looking for a real good beer. And then there’s Nuvare Res which any beer drinker will tell you is the place to go if you are at all serious about your beer.  Especially for the intimidated, this is the time of year to talk with the staff about the beer and get a nice education. It gets pretty busy in the summer and you don’t get as much personal attention.

There you have it.  My list of places to go to now before it gets too busy.  There are many really good (and many that are better than several of those on my little list - 555, Back Bay Grill, etc.) restaurants that I didn't include because I find that I can usually get into them any time of year.  Yup, these are the places where you're most likely to find me during the next couple of months.  Actually, many of these are places I've been to over the past few months that I had a difficult time getting into last summer.  And while the tourists are filling up these restaurants, I'll be hitting the slew of new ones that will soon be opening.  Yeah, life IS good in our little town.