When the Kid Picks up the Tab

When the Kid Picks up the Tab

It was 30 years ago that I came back home to New York from California for a visit.  I had a real job and was actually making enough money that I was intent on taking my parents out for a nice dinner and for the first time ever, picking up the tab.  For several reasons we couldn't pull it together while I was in town but I left $100 on my dad's nightstand with a note to take mom out to dinner on me.  Of course, according to my mom, he was going to send the money back to me but she convinced him that it would mean a lot to me if I got to buy them a nice dinner.  So out they went for an enjoyable meal of stuffed lobsters and I got to pay - just in time - as my father unexpectedly died later that week (I don't think the meal I treated them to had anything to do with dad's demise - imagine the guilt I'd have had to endure - I think it was more likely the four packs of cigarettes he smoked each day).  I'd have preferred to have been there picking up the tab but in some ways knowing my parents had a nice meal on me gives me just as good of a feeling all these years later.  Thirty years ago I didn't give much thought to what my parents spoke about at dinner but, today, I'd like to think the conversation centered on them being proud that their boy turned out OK.

Since then I really believe that the picking up of the tab by a kid is as much a rite of passage to adulthood as pretty much anything else.  What makes me think of this now is that our second oldest, NP, was in town the other day and he and I went out for a bite at Outliers, the new restaurant in the old Popeye's space (the dive with the airplane sticking out of the roof - the new place is nothing like the old - they've done a great job with the place).  TA met us there after she got out of a late meeting.  After a few drinks and just about every small plate on the menu, NP announces that he wants to "...get this one" when the tab arrives.  Like most parents, my first thought was that he really couldn't afford to pay.  That thought was not just a gut feeling, rather it was based on the fact that the main reason for his visit in the first place was to take his car to the shop for much needed work for which I was paying as he couldn't afford that particular tab.  Putting aside the irony of the situation I did as I now advise all parents to allow their adult children to do.  I let him pick up the tab.

I think we're now four out of five for our kids picking up a tab or two.  Not too shabby.  KR first picked up a parking lot tab in Boston's North End which was almost as much as dinner.  He has since regularly paid for lunch or bar tabs when we've gone out together - he's a good kid.  AIR, the "successful one", is very generous and even though I'm always extolling him to save his money, he will often "fight" me for the bill.  I win most of the time and it is a fun game we play as we both know I'm usually going to pay regardless.  Once in a while, I call his bluff and stick him with the tab.  He's another one of our kids who will borrow money from me on Monday and take me out on Tuesday.  I figure it's pretty much the only way I have to get my money back so I just go with it.  Even the daughter, LJ, has taken me out for a bite.  Yup, since I'm a modern kinda guy, it's OK with me for my little girl to buy me lunch or dinner once in a while.

We're still waiting on JP to pick up the tab and we figure we'll be waiting a little longer as he's pretty much broke but, unlike the others, he asks for nothing from us and he busts his ass working two jobs to get by. He's also our favorite so we cut him some slack.  Now some of you are probably shocked that I just declared a "favorite" child but we all have a favorite whether we admit it or not.  We're just being honest with our kids so they don't have to argue after we're gone about which one was mom and dad's favorite.  I like to think we're just saving them a bitter fight.  Alright, I take it all back.  We don't have a favorite.  We love you all just the same (wink, nod).  Actually, TA and I have different favorites.  Anyway, JP will be there soon enough and when he can even barely afford to pay for dinner, I intend to let him.  As for NP buying this week, I know the $100 tab doesn't offset the $400 car repair bill but he felt good about it and so did TA and I.  And if I should drop dead before the end of the week, it's good to know that 30 years from now, he'll be glad that he had the opportunity to take his parents out for a nice bite to eat.